Enough is enough.

I've been struggling a lot lately.

It's something I haven't wanted to admit, because there's this part of me (this loud and obnoxious part of me) that's angered by it. Angered I can't seem to figure out how to fix my own problem and get out of the funk. And I know that many of us, creatives or not, often find ourselves on the struggle bus. We hit lulls. Have set-backs. Lose steam. I understand it and know it’s just how life goes sometimes. Though, I usually find little ways to wiggle my way out somehow. I escape and find inspiration, a release, distraction, or something that helps me get going again, or to revisit in the way I need to. But I’ve been having a really hard time instead. And my wiggles only seem to get me nuzzled deeper in the struggle. And honestly, this has been going on for many months now. Stuck. Unmotivated. Feeling disconnected. And listening to my internal voice blasting me with so much doubt. And I'm back to something that I've known for a long time and have yet done anything about.

I feel far away from who I am. I feel like when I look at my work, my heart isn't in it. I haven't been honest with myself, and I've been scared to be. And maybe that's just from fear. Maybe I'm just blocked. Maybe it's from other things. I don't really know my why yet. But my low energy and lack of confidence is coming from something.

And I've spent a lot of my energy in believing I’m not good enough.

Everything about that sentence sucks.

The time. Energy. That I'm not good enough (or more vaguely and often: I’m not enough). And, that I'm believing it. Fixating on this "one word to rule them all": enough. Never knowing what the hell I really mean by it. I never had a definition, or saw it as a list of things to check off–but it’s became my blame word. Something I found myself carrying through all aspects of my life. And it didn't matter how much it weighed. If it became too heavy to lift, I'd drag it along. And I kept keeping it in my mind–even though I would remind myself constantly that this wasn't a word you actually obtain, nor something you just go get validated. I'd let it poke holes in my day to day. All day long. With this deep thought that I'd know eventually. "I'll just feel it," I'd say.

And maybe this isn’t the space for me to really, fully dive into all the negative-self-talk workings and backstory I've had in and out of my mind. But, my obvious point is: this is a pretty shitty way to talk to and about yourself. But it happened, and worst of all, it's still happening more often than I'd like. This inner battle with Villainous Bex, making it so damn hard for me to just be proud. To be present in the moment and enjoy my fantastic life–all I've done so far, and the exciting things ahead. Many things come into play of the why and how Villainous Bex became, well, a villain. Many outside things I couldn't control, but I'd let it control me. The comparison game. Social media. Career paths. Titles. Opportunities. My space. Money. Love. Body image. Booze. Sleep. People. Lack of self-love.

Feelings can be hard to put into words. Feelings in themselves, can have their own annoyances by existing when you don't want them to. But however I can try to put, all this really got me in the feels. I've found myself so wrapped up in trying to not feel strongly, beating myself up for feeling strongly, and weighing myself down with the need to have one answer or something to fix me. I was what was wrong. And that's why I'm not enough.

Having the lifestyle of being an emotionally and passionately driven person is both: beneficial and tiresome. Learning to not let my emotions be the driver of my actions, but still let them lead my passion and create marvelous things, is quite the balancing act. And yes, I'm often off-balance most of the time. This, combined with all I've said above, was making me spiral. And the emotional hangovers from this kind of shit is brutal.

So.

I’m going to be taking a break.

Taking time to reflect.

Remove myself from social media.

I’m going to let my heart create whatever it wants to. In whatever form it wants to.

Hone in on areas that desperately need my attention.

Take my camera out to play on all my adventures.

And I’m going to write a shit ton.

Writing has been a part of my passion since the very beginning, and continues be one of my strongest outlets. And yet I never seem to make enough time for it these days. And though my speciality in the written word has more been in a fiction setting, I've learned to really be honest in my words about myself and the tales I tell. Nothing seems to hit the same, as when I'm lost with a thought or emotion, and then watching it run through my fingers and dance across a page.

So while I’m on my break, I'm going to let go, and let whatever story that wants to be released, be released. Have my fingers dance again with the tales of my mind and heart. Work on self-love and try to regain my drive. It's about time I take some pride in all of who I am and what's helped me be that. And I hope with this time away will help me feel that juice.

Why I'm expressing this all to you might seem unnecessary. And maybe it is a bit of emotional vomit about something that we've all felt at some point in our lives and we get it. And my ranty poeticness is kind of a mess. But, I simply just don't care. Because I know myself well, and what I know is that when I write, and let my words be read, I feel a sense of release (and hopeful understanding of not being alone in these words).

And as Stefan Hunt would remind us, "Fear Less, Live More."

Ta-tah for now, friends!

I’ll see you soon. In better light.

Cheers & Love,

Bex